Well, I guess you're the only one reading, Querida. Ah, well.... Who cares? This time, its about me.
Ever had a good day that at the end doesn't seem like one? That's me right now. By all accounts, I had fun last night (formal at youth group). All right, so it sucked being the odd girl out, newbie that I am, and it sucks that the people I thought were going to hang out with me ignored me in favor of their dates. But really, can you blame them? Instead, I abandoned all pretense of being a cool kid and sat down at the self proclaimed loser table. And losers we were, and fun, we had. Ever noticed that the people that have the most fun at that kind of party are the people that have no reputation to lose? Well, yeah, that's me. Along with me were Annie, Michelle and Jaslin. I was with them most of the night and taught Jaslin the little valse I know. It was sad, yet fun. The unfun part was the fact that I was the oldest in that little group by at least two years, and that always makes one feel kinda lame. Ultimately, it was an expensive outing and I could've saved myself the trouble (not to mention the money), but now I know (or maybe I don't, but I figure I do) what prom is like. I was never going to go to prom unless some prince charming popped out of thin air and asked me anyway, so at least I got a taste of it... Which may or may not be worth it, you decide.
So today is saturday, now closing in on 7 pm. Tomorrow I will go to church even though I'm no longer sure why I bother. Maybe I was just better off alone. But I only have less than two months left, so who's it gonna hurt? Is it strange for me to be afraid of going back? To be afraid to see how people have changed? And there are so many things I should have done here that I just kept pushing back to tommorow and now I don't have time to do them. I read in a book that you never have enough time. Its not that I don't have the time. I'm just tired of everything, tired of what I have to do and say to get through everything, only to find I have to do it all over again the next day. But all this isn't news, is it? Sometimes I wonder why I can't be happy just the way I am. Why I can't just live my life and stop questioning every aspect of it, why I can't just stop wanting to know the how what why where for everything. But if I did, I don't think I'd recongnize myself. There are times I just wish I could leave everything behind, even when I know so well I can't. I'm tired, but I'll get up tommorow. That's the way it goes, that's the way we are. Sometimes I wish that wasn't how it went. But it is, and I'll keep going.